si esto no puedo ser- camila

Today is a Wednesday and two weeks ago my grandmother left this world. And the last thing she said to me was to go back soon and see her, but I couldn't do that cuz of money problems. I feel soo guilty. and i know it wasnt something that could completely control but how i wish i could have gone, it still doesnt feel real. at least not to me, my grandmother was like... life... simply said she was the reason why the world turned the sun rose in the morning erasing the fog and leaving the grass lightly kissed with rain.
when i think of my grandmother, i cant help but to think i was selfish a lot of the times and memories that i could have had with her.. sometimes i think i like i didnt spend enough time gettin to know her and her world.. i mean i have pleanty of stories but i never once asked her to teach me how to cook something so i could one day maybe try and cook like her. never once did i ask her to teach me how to make cheese, or teach me one of her favorite songs. and it wasnt that i didnt have the chance i was lucky i got her to "myself" so to say when i lived in DR for 5 years and i spent every weekend with her but i was soo young and such a kid that i thought she was gonna live forever and that she was always go be there for when i was ready to learn to be completly devoted to her and her world.
im very grateful to have to seen her right before she passed but now i remember they way she looked at me. she looked at me like she was scared like she wanted to me to help her some how and i didnt quite know how, she looked at me like she wanted me to make the pain go away so rest peacefully. i got there on wednesday, and that night i was laying down in the room next to her and i heard her gettin sick and i got up as quickly as i could to go be at her side, and that is when she gave me that look to help her and i couldnt i stood there not sure what was going happen next or to what my aunts wanted me to do to help. but once they cleaned her up i went i stood next to her as she sat in her wheelchair and i rubbed her back.
lately i have been feeling empty especially after papa died but now im beyond lost and i really dont know left or right up or down... everything is kinda like a blurr and i pray to them last night.. being that it doesnt feel real to me just yet, my dad took this very hard, i havent heard my dad laugh he smiles at work but that it cuz he has to. and i asked them to help him.. to make things ok for him.. when it feels real to me like it really happen that she is no longer here and i cant go to her house and rub her back or put my hand on her head and kiss her forhead as i said my good bye to her once i know and i feel like she is really gone then ill ask her to guide me to thing she wants me to do..

Tan solo tu, solamente quiero que seas tu mi locura, mi tranquilidad y mi delirio, mi compas y mi camino solo tu, solamente quiero que seas tu yo pongo en tus manos mi destino porque vivo para estar siempre, siempre contigo amor. Camila



since she died.. i decided to go back to school, study criminal justice and criminiology.. find a new job something will make me happy, that i will want to get out of bed for.

i hope she is watchin from where she is, and that she is proud of me and that she knows that i love her and i miss her and i wish i could pick up a phone call her and talk to her ask her how she is doing. i want hear her laugh or her tell me a joke or ask me to go eat lunch with her..

i have no way of ending this without sayin more and more of the person she was with this great big heart..

Que Dios la Tenga en su gloria

Ok so its been a week since my Grandma passed away and it has taken me that long to post cuz well simply i couldnt get my head around what really had just happened.. i still cant so i cant really say much more than what i just did when im ready i will say every thing.

Que Dios me la Tenga en su Gloria .. Mama nunca la olvidare lo que usted me enseño y la legasia que usted dejo estara en mi corazon y en my vida por el resto de mis dias. la extraño.