I got in!!!!

ao its 3.15 pm my sister just called me I GOT INTO METRO!!! I'm going Back toSCHOOL!!!!

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so tomorrow will be a whole month since my grandma passed away and yet it still doesnt seem real. besides the fact that i cant pick up the phone and call her doesnt make it real. besides the fact that i know she isnt with us anymore that i cant get on a plain and touch her doesnt mean she is gone does it? i'm feeling lonely like i did when my grandfather passed away and yet i cant seem to find the reason why? i mean i know that im feelin alone and a bit lost but i know that she is in a much better place and that she is with my grandfather and that they are watchin over me and my family but that isnt enough to let go of them. like after i got my tattoo for my grandfather i havent felt him i havent felt like he is with me i guess he thought i was ok now without him but i dont think im ok at all.. in the last few months especially after mama died i have been going back to my old ways a lil lookin and searchin for somethin to make me happy. i recently got a new job i start next monday that made me very happy, but only cuz i get away from norma and her evil ways. im waiting to know if metro would expect me to start attending classes in may still no word so its makin nervous. im feeling more at home every day that goes by. its becoming routine for my parents and grandma to ask me to come home but it doesnt feel like home anymore. is this what being my own person feels like? how do you make someone see that you are happy and ok where u are at? when they dont want to believe it? and how do you tell someone that you like them when you know they like you but they arent makin a move? is there even a point to putting yourself out there? when you dont want to hurt anymore. maybe that is what im feelin hurt instead of lonely, hurt that i wasnt able to go to DR to see my grandmother one last time, hurt that i wasnt there to mourn like everyone else, hurt i feel like i had so much time with and i was selfish and didnt apreciated the way i should have, hurt that i cant seem to find someone for me in this wonderful town of aurora, hurt that i cant find peace by just praying. hurt that im hurt. i should be fine i got to see her before she died i can to talk to her i got her blessings one last time.. why is this happening.. why is that as soon as i get on my feet something happens and i get knocked down one more time. whats the point on gettin back up. why is that when he holds me nothing matters that it seems like the world and its problems stop? and why is that he isnt willin to be that for me all the time? why is that he is shuttin me out his world? why is that i have some many unanswered questions? there most be something that i missed somewhere, something that if i knew the answer to maybe i wouldnt be hurt or feeling lost or whatever it is that i feel.. i really dont understand what i feel but im thinkin that i need a massafe something to relax me so i can think with a clear head and find my way back to the way i need to be. help anyone