life must go on

So I realized how sad those last post were, and it came to me that I've been quite sad lately. I'm not to sure why I don't if it's the fact that I hate my job, or that I wish I had someone to come to. Or maybe it's the fact that as lonely as I feel I don't want to let anyone close to me afraid that they will hurt. I don't want to go through the part of getting over the fact that they are no longer in my life. I really don't want to deal with all of that again I don't want to compare it to like mama and papa leaving us, but sadly I do. I don't know how not to feel alone after they left. And the thing that has me even more confused with my own being is that I want nothing more than to have what they had. That undying love, that love that more what you did that person will always be there, forgive all you mistakes. Why does it seem like that is so far from me that all I can do is dream and hope that someday I will have that. That I would want to come home and cook,clean for someone that just can't see life with out me. I only pray that I could be so lucky. Maybe I just need to stop being sad and look at life that I'm still here and that I still have the chance and that someday I will have that to.
I only hope

IDK

So I'm laying here in bed thinking of all that is going on in my world right now and I can't help but to blame myself. How do I get so twisted and confused when it comes to men. Ok for those of you that me, know that I fall in love to easily, I think that who ever this guy may be pne night in his arms is all I need and I think it's more than what it really is. Case and point Justin met him at work real chill guy and just gorgeous, we hung out a few times spent a few nights with him. Thought things were going good actually thought that I could possibly have a relationship with this guy. But of course I got my signals mixed again and that was not what he was after. I almost knew that but I wanted to believe otherwise just keep hope alive that maybe I wasn't going to be alone. But of course here I'm on a rainy night with a horrible headache all alone in this bed wanting so hard to be asleep to cure my headache. But sleep seems to be out of the question, because I want to feel someone else's body heat next to mine. One can only wish, right that someday all dreams and wants will be fulfilled, that happiness will find me. I'm seriously ready to get a girlfriend or give up on finding love all together.

what is the world doing to me

Ok so if life didn't suck enough I get yet another reason to be sad. And it always at the time when I want nothing more than to be happy. I finally got fed up with my job well simply because I've spent to much of my time flirting with the males at work. And now the search starts for a new job. And I'm looking at this job at the hospital with my mom. But hopefully I get it, I need a changed in life.

sad eyes

So when ppl look at me they see these blue eyes that are full of sadness. I just can't seem to help my eyes lookin so sad,it doesn't seem to matter that things seem to be going for me right now I still feel sad, I feel empty I feel like I need someone to love me. Or not just love me but curl up next to me, and hold my face in their hands and so just show me that I'm special. I don't understand why I can't seem like I can't seem to make a relationship to work with anyone. I still feel like I'm broken like I can't seriously think like I will never be able to ever get close to anyone again and that is just something I can ever get my head around the fact that I will be alone the rest of my days. God please give me a sign that I'm gonna be ok.

I got in!!!!

ao its 3.15 pm my sister just called me I GOT INTO METRO!!! I'm going Back toSCHOOL!!!!

untitled

so tomorrow will be a whole month since my grandma passed away and yet it still doesnt seem real. besides the fact that i cant pick up the phone and call her doesnt make it real. besides the fact that i know she isnt with us anymore that i cant get on a plain and touch her doesnt mean she is gone does it? i'm feeling lonely like i did when my grandfather passed away and yet i cant seem to find the reason why? i mean i know that im feelin alone and a bit lost but i know that she is in a much better place and that she is with my grandfather and that they are watchin over me and my family but that isnt enough to let go of them. like after i got my tattoo for my grandfather i havent felt him i havent felt like he is with me i guess he thought i was ok now without him but i dont think im ok at all.. in the last few months especially after mama died i have been going back to my old ways a lil lookin and searchin for somethin to make me happy. i recently got a new job i start next monday that made me very happy, but only cuz i get away from norma and her evil ways. im waiting to know if metro would expect me to start attending classes in may still no word so its makin nervous. im feeling more at home every day that goes by. its becoming routine for my parents and grandma to ask me to come home but it doesnt feel like home anymore. is this what being my own person feels like? how do you make someone see that you are happy and ok where u are at? when they dont want to believe it? and how do you tell someone that you like them when you know they like you but they arent makin a move? is there even a point to putting yourself out there? when you dont want to hurt anymore. maybe that is what im feelin hurt instead of lonely, hurt that i wasnt able to go to DR to see my grandmother one last time, hurt that i wasnt there to mourn like everyone else, hurt i feel like i had so much time with and i was selfish and didnt apreciated the way i should have, hurt that i cant seem to find someone for me in this wonderful town of aurora, hurt that i cant find peace by just praying. hurt that im hurt. i should be fine i got to see her before she died i can to talk to her i got her blessings one last time.. why is this happening.. why is that as soon as i get on my feet something happens and i get knocked down one more time. whats the point on gettin back up. why is that when he holds me nothing matters that it seems like the world and its problems stop? and why is that he isnt willin to be that for me all the time? why is that he is shuttin me out his world? why is that i have some many unanswered questions? there most be something that i missed somewhere, something that if i knew the answer to maybe i wouldnt be hurt or feeling lost or whatever it is that i feel.. i really dont understand what i feel but im thinkin that i need a massafe something to relax me so i can think with a clear head and find my way back to the way i need to be. help anyone

si esto no puedo ser- camila

Today is a Wednesday and two weeks ago my grandmother left this world. And the last thing she said to me was to go back soon and see her, but I couldn't do that cuz of money problems. I feel soo guilty. and i know it wasnt something that could completely control but how i wish i could have gone, it still doesnt feel real. at least not to me, my grandmother was like... life... simply said she was the reason why the world turned the sun rose in the morning erasing the fog and leaving the grass lightly kissed with rain.
when i think of my grandmother, i cant help but to think i was selfish a lot of the times and memories that i could have had with her.. sometimes i think i like i didnt spend enough time gettin to know her and her world.. i mean i have pleanty of stories but i never once asked her to teach me how to cook something so i could one day maybe try and cook like her. never once did i ask her to teach me how to make cheese, or teach me one of her favorite songs. and it wasnt that i didnt have the chance i was lucky i got her to "myself" so to say when i lived in DR for 5 years and i spent every weekend with her but i was soo young and such a kid that i thought she was gonna live forever and that she was always go be there for when i was ready to learn to be completly devoted to her and her world.
im very grateful to have to seen her right before she passed but now i remember they way she looked at me. she looked at me like she was scared like she wanted to me to help her some how and i didnt quite know how, she looked at me like she wanted me to make the pain go away so rest peacefully. i got there on wednesday, and that night i was laying down in the room next to her and i heard her gettin sick and i got up as quickly as i could to go be at her side, and that is when she gave me that look to help her and i couldnt i stood there not sure what was going happen next or to what my aunts wanted me to do to help. but once they cleaned her up i went i stood next to her as she sat in her wheelchair and i rubbed her back.
lately i have been feeling empty especially after papa died but now im beyond lost and i really dont know left or right up or down... everything is kinda like a blurr and i pray to them last night.. being that it doesnt feel real to me just yet, my dad took this very hard, i havent heard my dad laugh he smiles at work but that it cuz he has to. and i asked them to help him.. to make things ok for him.. when it feels real to me like it really happen that she is no longer here and i cant go to her house and rub her back or put my hand on her head and kiss her forhead as i said my good bye to her once i know and i feel like she is really gone then ill ask her to guide me to thing she wants me to do..

Tan solo tu, solamente quiero que seas tu mi locura, mi tranquilidad y mi delirio, mi compas y mi camino solo tu, solamente quiero que seas tu yo pongo en tus manos mi destino porque vivo para estar siempre, siempre contigo amor. Camila



since she died.. i decided to go back to school, study criminal justice and criminiology.. find a new job something will make me happy, that i will want to get out of bed for.

i hope she is watchin from where she is, and that she is proud of me and that she knows that i love her and i miss her and i wish i could pick up a phone call her and talk to her ask her how she is doing. i want hear her laugh or her tell me a joke or ask me to go eat lunch with her..

i have no way of ending this without sayin more and more of the person she was with this great big heart..

Que Dios la Tenga en su gloria

Ok so its been a week since my Grandma passed away and it has taken me that long to post cuz well simply i couldnt get my head around what really had just happened.. i still cant so i cant really say much more than what i just did when im ready i will say every thing.

Que Dios me la Tenga en su Gloria .. Mama nunca la olvidare lo que usted me enseño y la legasia que usted dejo estara en mi corazon y en my vida por el resto de mis dias. la extraño.