my death

soooo my parents have just recently found out my 3(out of 4) tattoos and my death will be arrivin soon in case i dont get to say good bye to everyone in this world..


Karla i love ya and i will take to my grave your own tats. thank you for being there for me through thick and thin and i will be watchin from where i end up (probably HELL) but i will use my presuacion to get daniel to get on his game and do something like i dont know get on a plane and sweep you of your feet.. hehe that would be worth dyin for

Caro i love ya you have always been my other hip.. and the one that completes me cuz karla makes whole person but in between us two we are the perfect package.. hehe.. i might see you were ever i end up because im certain ones my father tells ur father there will be a double murder happening in this familia...

Gabe well my dear i hope that if u get ur own tats that no one will want to murder you and maybe the will so i will take that as well to my grave. so my dear i will also work my magic ways on the lady of your choice so just let me know who it is and i will be on it from were ever i may be.. after my father beats the living pulp out of me so yea.. i love ya

Joe, i sorry to have left in such a hurry i should have cleaned up my room but well my father decided that could wait and killin me was more important.. so umm love ya ill come help you clean from the dead..


just kiddin my peps i dont think he is gonna murder just yet.. cuz he could have done it yesterday when he saw the 36 and all the other ones but since he hasnt killed me yet and im sure he has seen my tats pleanty of times before i think i may live just a lil bit longer.. maybe if i get one more he may actually do it.

Trials and tribulations

ok so im trying the daitin game one moregain but so far not so bueno.

the guy i really like his name is Bryan.. he is so nice and sweet and like everything ive never found in another guy before. the problem is that i dont know where he stands with us. i dont know if he is still in the friend zone or if he wants to move on and make it official or if he just wants to stay friends.. i mean he is the guy that all guys should want to be like.. he isnt all about gettin the booty or braggin to his friends about who is hittin and all that jazz that guys talk about. he is more like the guy that i would want to be with for while.. he wants to take things slow he wants to like to get know me the real me that just the person that im when im out with my friends but the person am i when i trust someone.

this is crazy but i cant seem to put my finger on what it is that im attracted to him.. maybe cuz i know that he wont hurt me and if he does he'll do it in a gentel way.

i've talked to him about my grandfather and he understands what im feeling.. today being 6 months to the day that my grandfather left us i feel it a lil more than every other day that has gone by without him. last night the conversations and the tickets search began for the summer vacation and well i felt extra empty.. how do i explain to anyone that doesnt get me what im feeling when it comes to that.. for some apparent reason i seem to be able to trust Bryan with that and i bearly know him. but i dont want to get to close and tell him too much cuz what if it turns out that he doesnt want to me more than just friends i feel crushed and then i push him away..

am i thinking this too much? am i stressin for nothing?? maybe i should just stop thinkin about it and let it take its own course it wants to take, right??

Mi nueve nombres

1. Your name:
Nataly
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first three letters of your name, plus izzle)Natizzle3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Blue Lion
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name)
Ms. Salida
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of dad's name)
Tornarob
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Pink Bacardi
7. IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 3rd letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your moms middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)
Natorcatarosda
8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (fathers middle name)
Rafael
9. GOTH NAME: (3rd favorite color, and the name of one your pets)Black REPOST as My Nine Names

Broke

some where along the line i seem to have lost me and i feel broken.
i feel like i have missed a step somewhere have completely fallen off the map that was my life. i dont know which way will lead me to were i was. do i want to go back to who i was? in a way yes i want to feel happy and whole again, but i dont think the pieces will ever fit back together the way they used to.. i replay my past few month especially july like if it was a movie. i see everythin like i were an actor in the movie and the cameraman.. i look and i see myself and i look out of my eyes and i see papa layin in that coffin. and i cant seem to stop replaying the first time i saw him.
that day was another hot summer day of nyc. you could smell the sweat of the asfalt and the aroma of the chinese food dinner that i was walkin torwards to get myself a small mail before headin to the funeral home. i walked back to the apartment with food in my hand looking around at the neighboorhood i dont remember anymore i felt when i was so young that it looks so different than what i remembered even the apartment building i grew up in looked so different. and i didnt remember the last time the sun didnt feel warm agaisnt my skin. i was terrified on to what was about to happen within 20 mins of this short walk.

i sat at this table with someone i couldnt stomach and still cant and with 4 children that didnt know who i was and why i was there in that apartment with them. life had taken a different look for me and i didnt want to see through those eyes. my chinese food was hot and honestly i didnt feel like eatin much so i took my food in to the kitchen into the microwave the second my dad saw this he said it was time. and well i wasnt ready for the time to have come. i looked at karla who was sittin in papas chair and was like ill see you there. so as im sittin the back of tia marianas car her with me in the backseat and my parents up front and johnny carpooling a few people to the funeral home and i started to look around to were we were driving to and things started to make sence we were right by my old house on etna st. i felt like i was 10 again and that caro my neighboor a few blocks down "walking distance" that gricy had just gotten married and was living in a basement off of ridgesomething or the other. by the time i came back to reality we had arrived to the funeral home and well i wasnt ready at all to go but i gather the lil strenght i had left and i walked in. we went all the way down to room were he was supposed to be but they hadnt brought him up yet. so they went to go get him i wanted to run i wanted to hide i wanted to be anywhere but there.

i took me a second but i decided that the best thing for me to do was to take a moment down stairs in the bathroom. the floor was marbel so every step i took made a different sound and sound that sounded like the place was haunted that i was the only walking and breathing thing there. i cant remember who i met someone in the bathroom that was related to me and it was female and she aksed are you ready. i think i smiled and i washed my hands took a few deep breaths and walked up the narrow stair case. to get to the room papa was in you had to walk by this other mans room and he was all alone and i felt bad for him and i wondered if that was what my grandfather would like. the place smelled cold and of sweat. it was so hot out side and it was so cold inside it was like a cold that wasnt like a good cold it was a scary cold.

when i walked up into the lobby there were 3 people i saw, joey, karla, and gabe. i ran to karlas side i needed her support so that i could walk through the door. joey came to my side and held my hand for second and i knw that if i didnt do it know i would never do it. i saw him and i lost it and i couldnt see, hear or even think of anyone else all i saw was him laying there i wanted to so bad to walk back out to have never seen what i had just seen.

that is the last memory the memory i cant seem to erase of my grandfather is that. i dont want it to be that.
i wanted to be the moments when i lived in DR so close to him that i would go visit him every weekend and bring him a bunt cake.
or the many times that we spent lookin at the cows or watchin him sleeping after his noon meal.
i cant seem to get that picture out of my mind....



i started writtin this on 1/2/07 since then i have gotten a tattoo with my grandfathers number and it has giving me a lil bit of a breather and i havent thought of him in that way which makes me feel a lot more at ease. and so now im done writting thank you for readin it ready does make me feel great, to get it all out.