"i'm leaving message and voicemails"

No song that i have in rotation on my ipod explains what im feelin at this moment in time... here is what is goin on my roommates friend jason has me goin crazy i like him alot i think too much. i got word that he like me too but his actions that the moment in time arent showing that at all... so how the songs says i think im doin tooo much to catch him and well now im done for the moment in time... here is my analogy about this.. i have a few its liek your playing a game a of cards and u have a lot of money riding on it and you get the crapiest hand on this planet and you know there isnt a prayer in life that will make the other player lose cuz his hand most fuckin awsome but u kinda wanna take the chance and bluff your way to the money but you dont know if you should. so you are sittin there holdin the cards in one and the rest of your chips in another not sure what to do next.. ok that one the other is that i made my move and now the ball is in his court and he is doin nothin with it and im not sure why.. its like we are playin basketball and its almost the end of the 1st and still waitin for his move and time is runnin out and fast.. (im pretty sure basketball has 4 qt but im not sure on that) and its almost like baseball how many at bats does he gets before he actually hits the ball and knocks it out the park instead of buntin of just takin walks.. its like he doesnt want to take the chance i really dont get it...

ok so i just realized for those of you that dont know what the fuck im talkin about ill start the whole story over from the very first thing that has happened.. its like a fuckin movie almost.. ok so i met jason for the first on june 11,2006 at my godmother's 60th birthday party i was wearing this really fucking sexy boobs poppin all over the place bright orange dress... i was all done up and i didnt think anythin of it and i really didnt even talk to him much that night cuz i had so much family in town and i was all about them and honestly i always thought he had a thing for caro cuz caro was looking pretty sexy that night too. actually we all did.. ok so moving right alond i didnt seem again till june 24,2006 when i had an allergic reaction to jalapeno peppers and it was bad i was sittin on the couch rolled up in a blanket not able to stare at anythin and they were busy playin their DS mario cart was what they were playin... ok is it sad that i remember every day that i saw him... god i need help.. after i moved in with joe he has come by 3 time that i have been home and i usually go to sleep all kinds of early.. usually its joe gabe jason and mike, and me only really cuz i live there.. but anyways and well last time he came by was oct 14, 2006 where we just hung out and i didnt drink but i did smoke somethin so i was feelin pretty happy and gabe was feelin pretty happy and joe was passed out all in all we were pretty happy people.. jason was drinkin and smokin but said he didnt feel high so whatever we sat on the couch and watched tv and like talked till like 4 in morning and it felt good to talk to someone other than my loves.. and so from this the forth i felt somethin. somethin im not too sure i know how to explain it but i couldnt get him out my head.. so then the next weekend caro comes into town and we are talkin about it and she tells me to be care with what i decide to do because he is joe friend and joe is not only my cousins the badass of my life he is also my roommate and if something goes bad you know i cant make things difficult for either one of them. ok so then on my way back from the airport after droppin caro off sad times very sad times. i was talkin to karla about my dilema and she said i should talk to joe cuz a lil birdy had told her that jason "really like, like really really" so then i moment i heard this my ears got hot my stomach got into knots.. so i knew i had to tell joe cuz things could get messy fast.. so tell joe and joe is totally cool with it and this is one of the many reason why i adore joe with all my heart. so we were supposed to go and hang out on oct 25,2006 but he said he had a test the next mornin at 8 am so we didnt but he got snowed in the next day so he didnt even take his test but anyways.. this boy is really bad with the phone thing he doesnt check it often or somethin and it drives me completly insane. so on oct 27, 2006 i was a costume party for my friends ben and alex and zach so i got pretty drunk and so i called him he didnt answer but he did send me a txt msg and he came over and hung out with me for a sec but it almost seemed like he was more interested in everyone else at the party than me. i was startin to sober up the time he got there and i noticed he stayed away from me some of the night and then i dont know i just ignored.. and i was like oh well he didnt know anyone he was just tryin to be nice and get to know everyone that was there but whatever so then i was like tomorrow will be very different cuz im goin to be at his house and im just gonna pull all the stops and he isnt goin to be able to resist me.. somehow that did not happen at all .. the complete oposite..
so oct 28, 2006 joe and i drive to bryers and for those of you that dont live in colorado and i felt like we were drivin to fuckin kansas ok its was just far.. so we get out there and he is Iron Man but whatever i didnt care i was a sexy french maid and i was freezin my ass off.. and i got nothin from me and a you look really nice from another girl. but i was like he is the host he is just busy. maybe later when every one is a lil drunker ill the attention i want.. no that wasnt the case and i drunk and nothin i was very talkative and i was lucky if he even looked at me and gave me a smile or maybe even a squeeze of the hand anythin really.. i shot my first gun while i was out there 45mm i was quite happy and i had crazy energy runnin through me but i somehow didnt get the balls enough to go up to him and kiss him which is what i wanted to do.. i kept playin in my head how i was gonna do and how it would have felt but i didnt do it. so i had a great conversation with his brothers who were quite interesting people to be around. and so last night around 9 pm while i was watching brothers and sisters i got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach i just kept sayin to myself damn you are stupid your throwing yourself at this man and he wont give you the time of day and i was kickin my own ass over it so.. i decided to send him a msg and it said " this will be my last txt msg for a while im gonna stop throwing myself at you and gettin no responce and if you want me you know where to find me. " its been a lil over 10 hrs since i sent that msg and i still have no response so we will see what happens.. see why its like basket ball cuz i put the ball in his hands and he still wont make a move and i dont understand why... so now im so done and confused with my own self i most get back to work

Out of world experience...

Ok so it's been three months since the only man that i think i will ever love left this planet. my grandfather left us with soo many questions on un answered and i don't tknow how to find closuer. this weekend was his mass for the 3 months that he was been gone and the whole week leading up to it i have felt like i have to cry and i haven't yet so i still like i should. on the other hand i think i finally found someone that might do me some good if he ever returns my phone call or a txt msg, about ready to give up on that too.. but back to my out of world experience.

so i have been feeling like my grandfather has been with me like his spirit has been in my house and in my room and with me like not just like in my mind like i've felt someone's touch on my back last night and trust me i was alone. so i was laying in bed listening to my ipod to alex rivas en vivo or whatever and feeling very un sure of what i was feeling at moment in time i felt like i was empty mostly because i had been talkin to karla and tellin her how i might hang out with jason tonight but i dont think that is goin to happend well simply because he hasnt called to say what we will be or might be doing. so im guessin we are not doin anything tonight so movin on.

so i was layin in bed listening to alex rivas feeling bad and it was la pava that was playing and i was like damn i want one more dance with papa. for him to dance with me but not like how we dance but how he learned to dance to spin me around the whole entire dance floor for it be a never ending dance.. but i turn to my side and my shirt is like pressed to my skin and all of the sudden i feel like the warmth of a hand on my left shoulder and it goes across my back to my right shoulder moves my shirt some and i was to afraid to see if i saw anyone but i knew there was no one there i knew these.. i went to bed alone.. so i put everything out my mind i did my best to fall asleep so i honestly dont know if he was there or if i making up... but now im reallly going to have to go see someone that speaks to the dead to tell me if he is with me cuz if he is i want to answer i few questions for me i need to answered so that i feel complete closure and maybe feel like the whole in my heart isnt as big as it really is. but now everyone things im crazy im signing off
love
nataly

Ok Life SuckS!!!

Ok, So here I'm bored at work like always all though I shouldn't be my boos has pleanty for me to cuz she is too damn lazy to do it herself oh well but there is something I must get off my chest before I brust. I'm as Lonely as Lonely can be.. I have a great family always something to do.. I'm never realy alone but its not the same.. I want a boy to hold me keep me warm.. to pretend to enjoy my silly tv shows, someone to be afraid to try my cooking and honestly tell me what they think.. someone to go to the movies or the mall with.. someone to spoil me some someone to show me that theirs more to life than sitting on the couch watching tv. so I was listening to radio on the way home and they said Denver was the # 1 city for singles.. I'm like fuck that sure if you are over the age of 21 enjoy the club scene and have the body of a victoria secrets model. Till then you have about the same life that I do. But I think I'm done venting of course I strarted to feel this way last night but hearing that this morning sent me over the edge. I'm done now

1st Dinner Party

We all know by now that we have a Dinner Table now.. So last night we had our 1st DINNER Party we had Karla and Gabe over for Sushi and Godfather Part 3. I'm so totally excited about our table still that I can't wait for Caro to come home to so that we can have another one I never thoughtI would be so excited about having people over and like entretaining. I never thought that would be so in to but I guess we'll just have to see how the rest go

Bored

Ok so I'm sitting here at the apartment bored out my mind.. It's Saturday night and Joe is at work and I have nothing to do.. so I'm sitting here wacthing MTV Tres and Rhiana is on with her Unfaithful track and it is kinda what I've been dealing with all week.. Ok So I'm still very hung up on Russ the guy that one of my post was based on the guy that was cheating on his girlfriend with me and I got hear them fight constantly. Well this week I felt invisable and I put my true feelings out there.. Please no one kill me here (Caro, Joe, Gabe and Karla) But sadly enough I feel like I love the loser.. I know how wants to be first to shot me in the brains maybe my sense will come back.. SOoOoO I told him this big mistake because he already knows how to use to me. He knows the right words to say to make me melt and I hate that but I allow it happen..
But in that same sentence I let him know how we would never be together well simply because I can't trust him to be more than like 3 feet out of my sight cuz I know what he will do.. cuz as the saying say old habits die hard.. all he had to say was that im doing something right cuz I'm still around and there have been many other girls and he still comes back to me .. that made me feel really bad and I wanted to run and get tested again cuz of him.. But I'm gonna try and stay away from him.. I will try and I can't keep putting myself in his hands for him to hurt me. I can't allow it any more.

My Bad

Ok so I haven't been on here in a while I do applogize just havent had much to write about.. But I have some good News..... WE HAVE A DINNING ROOM TABLE!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) how exciting is that... O for halloween I will be a French Maid isn't that just the funniest things you've ever heard. Well if anything else comes up I will write
Bye